VanessaXXX

You might think that the two species that passed this year’s Medical-Surgical Nursing were the boring nerds and those that, well, cheated their way through the whole semester, but it’s not that quite simple: in profiling this semester’s survivors, I realized that, aside from the people who can both fit in as nerds and cheaters, there were also people who, may never in a million years, would look like someone who could pass kindergarten but managed to pull through. Living proof is VanessaXXX (note: not her real name).

Sure, this girl looked like someone who came out straight from porn that could barely spell, say, any hard word, but in the end, when the likes of Judith Lavictoria and Peter Naval flunked, she proved everyone me wrong. She’s not that as dumb as she looked after all. She passed… surprising guys like me who thought she had a very promising future in porn

The moral: never judge a girl by her looks curves alone. Sometimes, the brain comes in sexy packages.

pornoholic anonymous

I got excited in going home last weekend because I've secured myself a copy of (gasp!) the Debbie Does Dallas... Again DVD. That's a remake of one of the most important movies in porn history. Turned out the insides of the pack contained some generic TV series that I couldn't care less about. Major Bummer. That almost ruined my weekend until I remembered that I had vowed to myself to limit my insatiable porn consumption. That's like Paris Hilton vowing to celibacy. Imposible!

If watching porn for n hours straight and for it to get in the way of my activities of daily living means addiction then maybe I am an addict. I'm not going to deny that. I'd like to think of it as my pain management. And I'm in great amount of pain, believe me. Once, I broke down, I grabbed a drink and watched porn. I'm OK after that.

When I was 14 I did some exhibitionism (but that's just oversharing). Let's just say that as a kid, I once wanted to act in one of 'em pornos. Who knows, when I finally lose my mind, I might. And you'd be like “fuck, that's my classmate screwing like crazy”. LOL.

Motivate me

Two years ago, never did it occur to me that my motivations for taking up nursing would falter. Last time I checked, it was all sturdy. But lately, you would come up to me, express your oohs and ahhs because I chose to take up such a noble profession. I then savored your admiration for a second, smiled back at you and said the uttered the words, “If you only knew” at the back of my head. Secretly, I harbored dreams of green bucks, earning, saving, spending and earning them again to finance my education- by which I mean creative writing and photography, probably change my citizenship and join Survivor, try my luck in Hollywood. Or maybe do porn. My parents would have been so not proud.

But those motivations are clearly blasted off like some misplaced Buddhas in Afghanistan, having been failed at pharmacology, taking it up again this semester and, you stepping into every shoes of all the people I'm being introduced to, saying your oohs and ahhs every time I said that I'm taking up nursing. But, no. Those admirations don't help like it used to. You are no longer helping. Yes, I liked the admiration. But I don't care about what you think. And stop smiling.

This is hard to say, but I'm not sure If I want to be where I am right now. Some kids would take my slot in a heartbeat any minute I opt out. The problem is, it's too damn late. If everything pans out right, I could be graduating really soon. My parents would then be proud of me. And I will no linger be eaten up by guilt knowing that all this time my folks think highly of me and have already spent a lot.

Until I can build some kind of a better structure for my motivation, like helping the sick and the needy without doing colossal damages on my pursue of material comfort or when I finally get over your admiration, I'm good to go. But for now, I need to study. And tomorrow, I'll deal with my issues.