Best assessment ever

It’s that time again… time to reflect on all my accomplishments of the last semester. Unfortunately, what accomplishments I can lay claim to generally involve… wait, I don’t have any accomplishments this past 5 months. Or am I just being too hard on myself? Well this isn’t the first time.

It’s official. I failed Medical Surgical Nursing. Umm, yeah, that happened. Now, moving on…

OK, fine… since I’m getting weird stares and all, I just want to say that, even if I’m all smiles (according to leanne) and had inappropriate affect (according to ma’am Dablo), I am affected just like everyone else who failed (well, maybe with the exception of Jai2x). I may not match their intensity, the crumbling on the floor and weeping kind of stuffs but that doesn’t mean I’m not affected. I am. I really am. I’m just not over-the-top. It’s not like I expected to pass considering everything that I secretly went through, my complacency and my preoccupations with what people refer to as useless informations. Besides, I already had the gutfeel ever since I came back from the yearend break. I already knew. I assessed. And in my entire nursing life, that was the only assessment I was sure of. Sadly, it turned out right.

One BIG mess

Sometimes we want to do things for the wrong reasons. Case in point: why I want to transfer to another school. Somehow, after so many months, I realized that I have not fully recovered from the emotional trauma I got from Ma’am Tecson. A certain part of me still believes that she’s the devil packed in a body of a cute and chubby Chinese cherub. Funny, because of all the reasons I’ve came up with, this topped the list. Way to go bitch. Thanks for destroying my self-esteem.

But anyhoo, this is the rundown…

I don’t want to be stared at like the word LOSER is written all over my forehead. I don’t want to be silently judged or get pity stares from my Clinical Instructors. I highly revere Ma’am Alasagas and Ma’am Quilang so much that I don’t want them to see me as some letdown. Maybe I am stupid. I can accept that. Also the thought of me sitting with the audience while my batchmates don that black toga will just reaffirm that. Not that I really cared about what they think because I know my capacity. I know I’m smart. Heck, I’m smarter than… ok, too much. I don’t have to validate myself. I know my entrance exam scores. I am not mentally-challenged. Academically- uninclined, perhaps, but definitely not DUMB.

So for now it looks like I’ll be spending quite sometime in school. Major bummer (read: I have other plans.) But gee, I guess there’s no use in blaming myself now. My life’s a one great mess. But unlike Pollock, mine doesn’t sell millions. Failure will never be a selling point.

P.S.

If this helps, there isn’t anyone on our college who is as pop culture savvy as me. I know a lot. But in the end, does knowing who Jackson Pollock and the mess he made matter? Like I’ll get an A for that.

Rub it in

Screw all that “maybe-God-has-other-plans” texts. It doesn’t help. That F mark would still be a friggin’ F after a million texts. Truth be told, most of the time, those kind have all but one aim; to rub it on your face that you failed MedSurg. Then again, there are people who love life, spew rainbows and stuffs and are just downright genuine.

But then there are people who are blinding-flash-of-the-obvious fakers who suddenly asks “if I already knew?”. I mean, like, God, I may be “academically uninclined” but I’m not that stupid enough not to know that I failed. She evidently was rubbing it. So I had just to rub back with “What? About the show? We’ll start taping soon and the spiels are now almost ready… Yeah, I know. I failed. Congrats to you.”. And so I rubbed back by saying that this stupid guy could be
hosting a new local show soon. Backoff.