Man Go Float

Surrender.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned the past two years that would be IT. It’s not the maturity of how I am now as a drinker. Not the stroke that would identify me as a painter. Not even the writing style I have developed and somehow lost the past decade.

It’s about finally accepting what is happening now and all the things that have had happened be it good or bad without any form of resistance whatsoever.

It’s not raising that white flag per se, even if it kinda is when if it’s really not. But it’s knowing that I have done everything that I could and the outcome is no longer in my hands.

The past two years have been all about moving and searching for that special place on earth, moving from one city to another, making mistakes one day at a time. Maybe I have learned, maybe I have not.

Realizations were made, friends drifted apart, hearts and dreams were broken, and isolated case of blueballs just remained, well, as it is and nothing more.

Growing old has been nothing but tricky. I remember purposely going to a booze party and yet constantly reminding myself not to get hammered as much as I used to – which I successfully did with flying colors. Having experienced a major blackout months before have made a self-police out of me. Would I say being a smart drinker is fun? No. But it’s something a responsible grown up would do when he’s got an early flight the next day.

You are no longer in college, I tell myself. And we thought life was already a bitch back then.  Well, welcome to the real world, bitch.

And then there’s friends. Do we really have that many people we can consider as such? Do we really? Geography will always take a toll in any relationship. New interests sprout by the minute. People outgrow each other, move on and get on with their lives even if we like it or not.

It’s like when some friends finally face the music and go to AA, it will always be inevitable. Even if occasional relapse does happen, no it ain’t  just the same.

And oh, dreams too can be shattered. If by now, you still haven’t gotten over the fact that you are tone-deaf, color-blind or I dunno, just blind to see the blatant fact that things aren’t going to happen, prepare to have your hearts broken. Not everyone can be rockstars or astronauts or olympians or pornstars.

Not everyone is cut-out for becoming they always wanted to be.

Heck I know, I’ll never go to outer space. Even if my head is.

We just have to accept it and from that adjust the career path from scribbled lines to something less gibberish.

And of course, some hook-ups are bound to shake our world badly.  Despite what you say is an undeniable chemistry, that sexual tension, those long walks on some quaint little town, that French song you sing together, that doesn’t have to mean anything all the time.

In the end you might end up holding tears on the bus.

And just jerk it all off.

Happened in real life. To someone I know. Stop asking questions.

My two years of taking that “gap year”, developing my personal brand, working on that “book”, and trying to become who I am can be summed up by my quest to actually learn how to swim. I know, kill me now.

All my life I just never learned how to. I remember feeling fulfilled when, despite my lack of natural buoyancy, I floated on some beach in Guimaras two years ago. For the entire afternoon, I just floated moving from point A to point B.  It wasn’t swimming but, still...

Flash forward two years later, Samal Island with a trainer in tow. This time, a little more determined. I was taught two things. One is that in times of distress, all I have to do is swim like a dog. I don’t know what that means and yes, I did imagined myself as a dog.

And two, that I must not resist the waves. Relax, take it easy for there is nothing that you can do, that music played in my head. The more I try to resist, the bigger chances I might just get injured or worse, die.

Then it got me thinking, I was being a badass dorky genius who found answers in life again. In two years. Yipee. Joy. Hurrah. Bigyan ng jacket.

Yes, things don’t always go as planned. Life has this habit of throwing us lemons, not giving us enough time to make lemonades, overwhelming enough to bury us.  Change is always unavoidable. Doors closing are normal. Everything is just shit. And all that come in very big shitty waves.

Sometimes, there’s just no use fighting.

After an hour of successfully not doing it, I just did what I knew best; float.